Monica's Journal

In all goodness

2008-10-18T02:49:06Z

Alright so I am taking a chance and bloggin my date today. It was fantastic!!!! Talk about a gentlemen! It was a lunch date which meant we had more time to innocently converse. Which went on for about a couple of hours! He kept me on my toes, kept the conversation alive. I could see the brain waves and intelligent sparks fly. Finally a guy who is real. We walked all the way down to a waterfront park. Where the awkwardness of someone making the first move had to be sat through. Still the yearning of wanting to be close to him while we talked drove me insane. As a lady, I think it's the guy's job to make the first move and he did. I needed the closeness so bad, I needed the happiness and peace in my life. I had gone a while without someone holding me and it was lonely.

The water lapped against the rocks as the wind sent shivers up our arms. Sunshine washed over us and warmed our backs. The sound of birds squaking over us and the train rolling behind us took away the quiet of the waterfront. But, Peace was found though as I layed my head on his shoulder. Finally someone to lean on. He held me tight as I let the drama of this past week roll off my shoulders. I gazed into the water that was slowly rising up to us and watched the waves threaten our solitude. We could see everything. There were no barriers between us and the great wide open Puget Sound that lay before us. Suddenly, he was the only person in the world. The white triangles in the distance that sailed by and the old rustic barges that floated in one place acted as our chaperones. An eagle swooped down to catch a fish, competing against the swarms of sea gulls around him. The eagle stood out and captured the prize. My eagle was keeping a protective eye on his own prize. One he might win if he kept up the honest feelings and honorable respect I picked up on.

October 4th, 2008

2008-10-05T05:32:29Z

The wind in my face and the rain finding all the openings in my coat. I wasn't sailing, I was walking through the OysterFest in Shelton. People kept streaming in, even though the weather was just miserable. They came for the oysters and beer garden I guess. I had a good time bonding with my little sister and my family. Even though it was in the middle of seafood vendors and oyster shucking competition. The day progressed as my level of weariness progressd as well. The next stop? My aunt Karen's, metaphorically aunt of course. She is another lady from church that adopted me. The event at her beautiful country home was a Tastefully Simple party. Where women gather together to lightly laugh and gossip about the latest stories of people in the prayer chain. My mother makes a character out of herself, hitting it off with Karen's daughter in law. Teasing the hostess and being loud and overbearing as usual. I remained a quiet independant thought pattern.
Daintly they all sit in a circle looking at each other, legs crossed, smiles painted on their faces. The party begins and the hostess passes out samples of what she is trying to sell to us. Seasonings, bread mixes, desert mixes. These products amazed me, they just need water and baking and boom they are done. I guess where the name simple comes into play. The evening progressed as the women in the room, ten or so laughed louder and chattered. My mind drifted, worried as two where my little sister was and who was watching her. Were Karen's horses trampling her while we laugh while delicately dipping beer bread into Garlic dip? I love control and I'd love more control over my order I was making from the glossy magazine. We were church women, nesting by ordering new ways of cooking.

Writer's Block: It's Hard to Describe

2008-02-17T22:12:30Z

What is one thing you struggle to describe?

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An undesrcibable situation is the look he gives when I am 50 or 10 feet away barley breathing. Its as if I am a threat to be dealt with. We don't know how to deal with eachother. How would you deal with another you running around claiming all your popularity. His words are undescribable, I can't put into words what he says to me and how he says it. It's like there is almost a definate tone of voice he uses with me. One that is a mixture of seriousness and heart, respect and defiance. A reluctance as big as his ego keeps him from approaching me amongst the others. I was taught to be humble, not to be haughty. He is the opposite of me, not the same. We are the same age, we both work to gain honor. I possess qualities he can only dream of though. His small voice whispers to me only loud enough so I can hear, "Why do always assume the worst of me? I am touched, but than a week later, "I win"
Yes I do squirm in my jeans when you decide to talk to me. Yes if I had a choice, I'd choose to be with you physically. Yes I am a sensitive and insecure woman. What are you though? You should be flattered I even look at you! You self-possesed pig! Come talk to me when you grow up, I may not be an eloquent speaker, but my mind can tell the difference between imaturity and self-rhiteousness. You are what I cannot describe. The war that wages between us, you say you win. Newsflash, I am not in this to win it. I am in it to be myself and reep the results, no matter what they are. I will not bow down to your attention hungry tactics. I will not laugh at your stupidity. If you seek my affection and attention, try using a little humility, that is what I am attracted to. Try having an open mind and accepting what is not perfect and what may never be. Try not judging me for once and I might respect you more. I have never done you wrong, yes I like walking out of the room when everyone is praising your name. If you take it personally how much I hate you than do so and try and seek my affection. But if you think you win, than guess again. I am independant and won't cave under a hard to get tactic being used by a mirror-loving jock. Try again Erick, Try again.

Writer's Block: One Day to Live

2008-02-16T23:37:02Z

What would you do if you had one day left to live?

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If I only had 24 hours left to live. I seriously would find the man that I like and than cuddle with him on the couch, etc. Tell all the males I have loved that I never said boo to, that I loved them. Maybe as the days go by though, depending on my mood and feeling, my 24 hours might change. For example tomorrow I would be in school and told I only have 24 hours to live. So I would immediatley strike up a game of twister with my classmates. Basically I think I would want to spend my last day happy. Just blissfully happy. Whethere that mean I am in love o if it means I am playing a really fun game. I would spend the last few hours of my life happy. Because I have spent so much of my life unhappy and dissapointed. Every day I try and make the most of every moment though. So kudos for me! lol hahah

Valentine's Day 2008

2008-02-15T06:55:19Z

During the final break through with getting over the past and moving on the future. I realize I need God's grace every day. I have never cared how others judged my faith and devotion to continuing my faith. Quick thought Monica, than why should you care how the male species perceives you Monica. Why can't you be yourself around him? lol Nerves, anxiety, lack of confidence this quarter for only God knows why.
The recent transition into new love from letting to old things go is almost life tab worthy. I have to make up my mind though before others make it up for me. This is what responsible thinking does to you. To crush or not to crush? To allow myself to open up and take another chance even though it may mean feeling hurt instead of just depressed. I'd rather feel heartache though after being passionate and living my life. Than miss out on an oppritunity to live the life I have been given. Well I think I made my choice! Good choice Monica.
Better to have loved and lost to have not loved at all. Right!

*Do know passion means burn within, not physical passion expressed too outwardly, the next guy who thinks he can get me in the sack without a legal contract saying that we both are firmly committed to eachother, will be shut down*

Everyday I need God's saving grace, I know that I am a mere human who can't imagine herself without the daily forgiveness and grace and love and mercy that my father in heaven offers. It's funny since, my mom and little sister are the ones usually with me during church, I always feel like I am in my father's house when in church.
anyway ttyl
luv, monica

Smart move.

2007-04-22T05:42:54Z

I have this theory that if you spend enough time with someone you learn to love them and care for them. I never said anything about too much time or family, but simply anyone. Maybe I am just talking about myself here. maybe if I spend too much time with someone, looking at them and trying, I feel for them afterwards. It makes sense.

Todd Sharp.

I know you. Kind of, we know eachother. Don't pay attention to this not making sense.
What I have with you, I have never felt before. It's not something I understand at all. I know infatuation, I know lust, I know love, I know freindship, but I dont know this. What do you call it? Jesus tought us to love eachother as brothers and sisters in Christ. Is that it? Am I saying we are anything but love, lust and infatuation?
No lol. It's like a pinch of all that and than something more or is it something less? I am so young, I am 16 almost 17. I am just a young lady as my old boss used to put it ;) My mom says dont put all your eggs in one basket..lol baha dont take that literally. He can have an egg of my heart though. We were freinds, we still are. I think its funny how we are complelty opposite but the same. I beleive God has restored me whole from me. I respect you and love you. This love is deeper than the blind love that I told my ex though. It's not a love that you see in this world very often. I love you like you love me but I just dont know it. I am typing in pretend. Something about the way you stand around me. Close tall body that doesn't give me a hand but is everything a supporter would be, somehow. How could I not care for you? You oblivious, lovley young man? Brotherly love..its seen around. While I push for us to be together, I dont go beyond that..odd but natural for me. Your supposed to fill in the blanks and what do you do? You erase the lines of relationships and love and everything this world is used to. You give me something I truly need. You give me something I couldn't find without you giving it to me. Yes How could I not love you, but how can really love you like this world wants me too. What do you want?

Written Word

2007-04-13T03:05:23Z

Anyone can write anything. Anyone can write a poem and call it poetry. Anyone can write a book, but best sellers are rare. Sorting through my journals, god I wrote so much. Their is so much I have put unto paper. Whats it worth though, I dont want to read it. I dont think anyone else wants too either. I have written less and less, but the pages I do write are ones that accuratley describe my feelings and my thoughts about things such as love, family, hurt and pain. I'll always write, whether I publish anything or not. No one needs to know, but I do. I need to know what I think about what I feel. I can't talk worth a damn about important issues. I dont like confronting people. I would rather write a love letter than to shower you with words of my affection. I can lie. I am very good at being a liar. I can't lie and write about it though. My writing is honesty, it's truth, its the only honest thing about me..lol
That is what I love is what I write about. Where my heart is is what I write about.
luv, Monica

Wow.

2006-11-18T00:21:40Z

I have been through a lot, a ton actually. You see though I am still going through it now as we speak. My mom screams at me for talking on the phone all afternoon and yells at me for my arragonce when it comes to stupid tasks that I can't see myself doing anytime soon. She may have all the right and all the means to harp at me, but that doesn't mean that I am going to take it and just shrug it off. No, the memory of her words stay with me, it makes me stronger, sharper and more defenseive. She has been a constant thorn in my side, a constant brat in my life who just makes me smarter and stronger. My whole family is my "hell and back". You've been through it on the streets, I've been through it at home and we've both been through it at school.

I consider myself a "Cinderella" when it comes to my family. I feel like an oddball out, a slave, an orphan and an outcast. I know they love me deep down but they just dont know how to handle me anymore. They dont know how to deal with me, not like you do atleast.

All my insecurity, self doubt, low self esteem and offensive/defensive nature comes from growing up as the middle child. You see my darl'n, in the world of family dynamics, the middle child is the one who is blamed for everything. Everything falls on the middle child, I am the middle child of this family and it kills me.
I need my "palace" more than you can imagine, I need it more than I need to talk and escape. Physical boundaries from my family are my savior, I can come in here and escape. I can come in here and be by myself. I need it, point blank. My family hates it too, they hate the fact that I am not really one of them when it comes to my life. Friday, the day that I realize that I am still living at home. Monday through thursday, I am away with freinds and school. Sat and Sunday I try and be away as well, with you or with others somewheres else. I love those days where you wake up leave the house at 8 and dont come home till 9 or 10 at night. It's fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thankyou honey lol!

"Wow" lol, the word that comes to mind when we think of how much we love eachother and how much we really "got" eachother. How much we are snagged, you got me baby. You got me. "Wow" the word we think of when the future falls into place for and with eachothers. "Wow" the word that comes to mind when we realize how much we've beared our souls to eachother and how much we've allowed eachother to know. It still amazes me how you know me. Ever since our first conversation I felt like you understood me and knew the real me...which is somethin no one has really figured out. I love you.
Ya know how my mom keeps harp'n on me about the "theres other fish in the sea"? Well what you said about how you'd rather just meet the "one" and spend your whole life with her? I halft to agree with you there. I dont want to go through a million mistakes and on a million bad dates, I dont know who does. Personally, I'd rather just find the "one" and spend the rest of my life with him. I just hope and pray that you aren't just a "learning experience" though and that I dont have to go through a bunch of heartache and trouble again (I've had enough of that)
Like you said last night, God is the only one who knows our futures. God I hope that we stay together though lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lol I'll shut up now haha lol.

Roses

2006-11-10T21:30:08Z

What do I write about? My world was high and now it's low. I am tired and weary of life and you. I am tired from all of the talking, all of the thinking and all of everything. I love you darling, you know that. I need to breathe again though. The rain comes down and the clouds circle up ahead. My head, my heart, I just want to sleep and forget this world. I need a breather. A breather from life, from us, from everyone else that clutters up my healthy state of mind. Everyone who comes to me and wants to talk. I call yes, but I am a hypocrite. I ask for love when I know I can't handle it and I give love when I dont have any left to give my freinds. Life isn't about surviving every day, it's about living each day to it's best and I want to do that. I do that as best as I can, but at the same time...I need a breather. I wish I could go somewhere and fast and pray for a weekend. I wish I could escape the dark clouds that drift around my life and around everything. I wish I could just walk and keep walking till I stop and find you in the perfect that I want us to be in. I wish I could just be. Worry, fear, paranoia, they all stay close at my side but will you stay at my side as well? Through it all? Through my depresssion of life and through the craziest of highs?
I beleive you will and I know you will, do you think I will? Take me away.
Next to me on my desk is a beautiful picture of life and death. They were once bright beautiful roses that accented the beauty of a celebration of my 16th year of life. They are hangiing down now and dead. They are completley dried out and nearly falling on the vase they are in. I am not dead, I am full of life and breath, but inside..mentally I need a breather. I need the water of life so that I can be bright and beautiful again. I am drained from the top to the bottom. My mouth has talked and my ears listened. My eyes seen and my hands wrote. I am ready to sleep now. I am ready to curl up in your loving embrace and just rest my heart and soul. Everything is okay when you are by my side. Never leave me, please.... I beg you. For I fear the day when you are no longer at my side and I will have to rise up on Eagle's wings, without you. I fear it and have nightmeres about it, but I know it will NEVER come to happen. I know this because I know how much you love me. Do you know that I feel the same way about you? I hope you do, because it is honest and true.
So come, let us break bread together and watch a movie lol. I need to rest, to relax and feel loved. We may have many hills to go over together and many more mistakes to make, but we will face it head on together with God on our side. We will work through it all and come out in the end perfect and blameless in his sight. I know all of this to be true. Amen.

The heart of a lion.

2006-10-27T03:27:40Z

I worry too much, I really do. I am used to things falling out from under me so now I drive myself crazy making sure that there is a rock solid foundation first before I jump into anything. Than again, when I know something is going to be okay I am foolish and let my defenses down especially around my loved ones. Strong, confidant, powerful, self-suffecient woman....................depressed, sad and lonley. Hm. Weak, powerless, dependant............happy, safe and in love. HM!!!!! lol. Just had to point that out. I am still cowering in fear of us because of Tues night. I am still thinking inwardly and expressing little because of what happened. It's you and me I dont trust. The happy thought that we are going to be together forever, shot at out self discipline and defense mechanisms. Now just look at where we are, how we feel and what we have ruined. Thats not me, thats not you. But look at what happened, Just LOOK!
I crumble and cry with my mom hands in mine. I know you can't feel as guilty about it as I do, because you've been there and you know that people survive and live on with life. No, thats not me. I AM who I AM. Take it or leave it. I worry, I cry, I am weak, I talk a lot, I can be rude and am sometimes very selfish.
You are there for me though, you are there when I need you. You, Wayne C Mike, calm my restless mind and soothe my overworked soul, you hold my tattered and torn heart in your hands and kiss my hands. You are my everything and I will never let you go, just dont let me go.
I love you.

Thursday Starbucks?

2006-10-02T03:40:49Z

It's not the matter of what I need to feel satisfied. It's not the physical need or craving. Whats important is how I feel insde. It's the result. He's so intoxicating, the whole thing. He makes me so dizzy, high and warm. I can feel me and my idenity, my proud idenity that I hide behind. Falling down in front of my very own face. It's out on the table, my heart, his soul. It's not longer hiding behind my self- made strctured defense system which is also crumbling. It used to keep me safe from heartache and intoxication. My brick cement concrete wall that kept me sober from love and excitement is melting into a puddle at my feet.
He gives me wings to fly (volar in spanish). I wanted to pinch myself, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I was encantado (enchanted). He said I am charming funny and outgoing..true enough, but he said it with a straight face. I was flattered. I hope and pray my car smells like cherry tobacco when I drive home.
There are so many feelings I have to sort through. So many emotions. I feel like such a small powerhouse which is funny cause with Jared I was an egotistical, self proclaimed powerhouse. I live up to myself and even more than I expect with Wayne.
The big idea that I was only sixteen and I lied about it wasnt so big tuesday night or even today. I think I've proved myself to him.
My life is coming around. The scent of cherry tobacco is tied so much with him. I think it's disgustingly fantastic.

Can someone say dork? :)

2006-09-15T17:33:50Z

I survived the first week of school! Woot! That is worth an applause on my behalf!! Guys...omg, I am so glad I am glad I'm back in school. I have people to think about when I leave school and come home! I love that! lol. I had ppl to think about during the summer, either from Swing, the tall ship or kscope. But school is so much better, because you see them nearly every day and can make progress, that or decide my plan of attack, lol. And than I can like plan my outfit for the next day based upon what happened that day. Ah its great lol. I do my h/w to give back to the school everything it supplies me with which is the inevitable, guys and more guys. lol.

Other than that, this should be a pretty interesting day!

luv, Monica

lionheart190 @ 2006-08-04T18:02:00

2006-08-05T01:02:40Z

I dont understand parents, nor do they understand me. My mom thinks she knows not only everything, but she thinks she knows everything about me too. Well she doesn't. She knows the Monica that goes to church and can control herself in dier times. Last night, I was myself with my freinds, I played with them. I was exciting and ramboncious. I was myself actually, which is a first. Call me a little immature, but I was perefectly fine with who I was last night. Running along the beach, teasing my freinds and acting childish. My parents only know one side of me and it sure ain't the Monica all my freinds know.

Oh I could totally see my mom and dad watching us on the dock as my friends and I pranced around the beach with the sunset as our background. I wandered and feared what they would think about me acting like this. I like suprising ppl, but this suprise wasn't a pleasant suprise I guess. I think it was more like an eye-opener for them. My dad says that I had no control of myself. Well than again, my dad thinks I am just like him...quiet and thoughtful. I am nothing like him. I hate to admit this, but I am like my mom. I have an annoying sense of humor and I think the world revolves around me. People follow me and I pave the path for them. Than again, I am my own person, I am fearless, adventerious and a risk taker. Hell we got in trouble for trespassing and some guy came out and told us to leave. The funny thing is when he told us, he looked at me. My mom joked later that it was like he knew who the leader of the pack was.

Creative Outlet

2006-07-22T06:20:08Z

I am in a very creative mood today. I made two pages in my scrapbook and I really want to describe my night on the beach taha.

My original intent was just to get out of the house and see the whole sunset considering the trees were blocking the rays of pink and gold from where my house was planted. I slip on some pants and flip flops to go with my orange tank top and head out the door. With the window down the fresh air gives me a chill, it's been so hot out today. When I finally get to the beach which doesn't take long since my mom is speeding down Zangle and Boston Harbor Rd. to catch the sunset. I am out on the sand with my little sister as dusk slowly creeps up on us. She runs off in the water to collet shells as I stroll along. God this is romantic I think to myself. It's one of those magical, beautiful mistic evenings. The warm breeze rolled over my bare shoulders like silk, boy it felt good. Finally Natalie and I made our way to the lighthouse at the corner of harbor. She continued to wade in the water as I'd point out a seal bobbing his head above water and than a blue heron here and there swooping down to catch a fish jumping out of the water. What a cool place we live in.

Sarah Hughes?

2006-07-07T02:25:28Z

So I randomly write if I am randomly inspired. It's short but, who said it had to be long?
Sarah ran her finger along her curvaceous body. How much longer until she freed herself from him? She asked herself. Her eyes managed to stay open, even after a long day of sailing and fighting. It was everything she had ever done with the young man who she called husband is what kept her wide-eyed and wandering. He was in the next bunk over sleeping soundly. She didn't love him, but she had no choice.
The darkness of the boat only seemed to offer her more room for her thoughts to grow at night. The small and cozy one man hammocks gently rolled back and forth as the waves kept a soothing melody. Despite the discrepancy around pirate ships, they there were many peaceful moments in one 24-hour period. The life Sarah Hughes lived wasn't exactly daisies and roses though, unless you counted the thorns too.
"Your ridiculous" came a cool voice from the bunk above hers. She was startled for a second, but than she recognized who the voice was. It was the first mate Bo, who was one of those men who even if you were right, you'd never win in an argument.
"he's too good for you." Bo continued. A smug smile curled Sarah's lips as she sarcastically replied,
"I know I know and so are you."
"Why you dirty little rat, you otta' be.."
"Oh save your love for me until tomorrow."
"Yes we wouldn't want your knight in shining armor to wake up, would we?"
"You can go shove yourself in a cannon for all I care."
"One word darl'n. Tar." he said coldly.
Defeated, she sighed and turned over. Would it ever end?

Writing

2006-07-03T02:10:25Z

Years of heartache pushes someone to find some sort of release. So I put it all on paper. Everything that I feel I need to get out all goes down in my journals (yes there is more than just one lol). I eventually came to the realization that I wanted to publish some of my work. It wasn't so much as a realization as it was a fact. I have an idea circiling around in my head for a novel, but first I want to expereince what I want to write about. It only makes sense. Than I want to learn to write really well, so I won't halft to learn about writing as I write. Along the way, I want to continue to read. As I read more and more books, I find styles of writing that I like and how to develop a good plot. Nora Robert's and Charlotte Bronte are some of my favorite authors so far. Jane Austen just drives me up the wall. The one thing I can't get over though is the desire to make it all into a movie. When I write out a scene or when I read characters interacting with eachother, I just wish I could watch it on the big screen. I guess it's because I have seen so many many movies in my life, that I am used to using my imagination that way (or not using it lol) HA thats it! My imagination is lazy from having things played out for me instead of me having to visulize it. lol, aren't I a genious. Anyways, wish me luck as I travel further in my writing and into more organized and thought out papers lol. I am so excited for the future, it really is ridiculous lol ;)

Summertime Blues

2006-07-02T00:22:57Z

I made a delecious Salsa today. Multi-grain chips and homemade salsa makes the best lunch no doubt! Other than that, I haven't had much of an exciting day. Well besides getting my bedroom in shape. It's getting there, but it still needs a lot of deep cleaning work. When I clean it, all I do is basically organize all the junk so it looks tidy, lol, atleast I try! Moving out is sure going to be fun in two years!!
Ugh, my life is like so not like the salsa I made this afternoon. That salsa was full of flavor, variety, texture and taste. I am actually counting down to the next exciting event in my life. God, I want to get out of this house! I want to just like go somewhere and do something fun ya know! I have been couped up in the house since like Wendnesday and I am ready to like go crazy! I guess I always need something to do, someone to think about and somthing to look forward to, to survive. What am I going to do between Kalidescope and My birthday? I am so ridiculously spoiled, its not even funny. Hey, my uncle Paul might be coming out this summer so yeah!!!!!!! He's a ton of fun. In fact, I think it was him (or I think it was my cousin) that gave me my first beer. I am done with that stage (I hope), but anyways the point is. If there isn't something to distract me from the life I live than I go nuts. I have a ton of books to read, I guess I'll get on that *sigh*. Someone call me!!!!

Hellfire

2006-07-01T00:14:02Z

Prologue: When I hurt inside, I write. It's as simple as that. Well today has been one hell of a day for hurting. Every letter I type, my conceince is telling me to go do the dishes.

My Story:
I should be a submissive young woman, but I am not. I should be happy, but I am not. I should be obedient, but I am not. I should feel loved by my mother, but I don't. I called her this afternoon to see where everyone was considering I woke up around one to an empty house. I barely got a few words in before she started bark'n at me. This is practically verbadum,
"I didn't have any clean towels this morning and the dishes weren't done, I am paying for your insurance too today. Goodbye." *click*(she hung up). Now my conceince tells me to "do the damn dishes Monica!" but I simply can't after being treated so rudely. It's like you know you should, but you feel if you did, you'd be going against everything that you stand for. If you know me at all, you know that I am very stubborn. I am only submissive if I think you know what your doing. I can be a very obedient person and usually am, just not with my mother. I can't stand doing what she tells me to. My body just rebels and won't allow me to physically do anything. I am a teenager because when you yell at me to do something, I will only rebel. Oh ya lol, I am such an unpredicatble, untrustworty andirresponsible teenager.

I still haven't done them and that was two hours ago. I hate it when my mother tries to guilt trip me into doing things. She thinks she is the head of the household. The one who everyone has to obey and if you don't obey her, your just a failure. I try my best, but that's never good enough! Living with my mom is like always having a constant reminder that your useless. It's not becuase she sets such a good example, it's because anything you do is just going to be shot down and deemed "not good enough". I beleive that is why I am only a B-average student. Have you ever heard of self-talk? Well having my mom constantly come down on me always saying "You did it wrong" got into my brain somehow and now I can't do anything right. I am such a screw-up when it comes to being loyal to my freinds and when it comes to doing awesome in school. You may think that I am a good friend and am doing fine in school, but you halft to look deeper and let me tell you, you don't halft to look that deep to know that my freinds tolerate me instead of enjoy my company.

I was teased a lot in elementary and Jr.High. I mean a lot, like people found sport in laughing at me and being ridiculously mean to me. In Jr.High is when I figured how to deal with it and now that I look back, it wasn't neccesarily the right way. Having the original sin in me that comes with being born basically lol, I decided to tease back and be rude back. As a Christian your told to turn the other cheek. Well I never really grasped that concept lol. So interen! I was deemed as even more of an uncool person. There was general feeling of hate that I was so clearly aware of from people at school and from my mother in those years. The only place that people didn't hate me was at church basically. I think that's only because I wasn't myself at church lol, I was Miss Perfect Angel which is an easy act to play. So now (Softmore Year) I am having trouble with church because I am growing into my own idenity. I am having to be myself and keeping church in my life. I know I still have my faith, I just express it through song instead of being active in everything at church lol. Anyways where were we!! Oh ya, my mom having such a negative impact on my life.

So when my dad comes home and brings up my mom at church I snap. My dad is an amazing person ya know, he never fails to suprise me. (Clearly where I get my unpredictability from). Anyways, he sits me down and talks with me about mom. He tells me to not reply (be a smartass basically) when my moms decides to yell at me. He knows how we don't get along great,he knows she is hard to deal with, but he doesn't neccesarily want to take sides. I only know this because later he comes into where I am and tries to explain that that's how her mom treated her. He tells me they used to bicker and argue too. I am not suprised, why would mom want to break the viscious cycle? She probably is just doing what was done to her. Sure she doesn't work like her mom did, she spoils us unlike her mom did with her kids, but she still has to hold onto this one thing. This one little thorn, that is impossible to get rid of becuase there is no rose without thorns. Come on though, isn't there a type of rose that doesn't have any thorns??!! I guess not.

My new car!

2006-06-29T06:06:17Z

I want to introduce you all to something. It's a Chevy Cavalier and she's a mine! Sure she doesn't have power lock doors or automatic windows, but its pretty rock'n for my first car! Only forty two days until I get my license! It will be forty one in about two hours though! I am so excited!! She was purchased at the government auction so she is clean as a whistle. When I first got, put her into drive and touched the gas pedal, she showed what a fiery piece of car she is. Very touchy and there is even a rpm dial on the dash which means that she can go up to high speeds. I, of course am not one to really speed, but it's always nice to know that it's not a slow car (that’s for sure!) I took this Chevy Cavalier out for a little drive tonight with my dad, just to see how she drives and I was beyond satisfied. The whole world is different now that I will be driving in two months, that I will be independent and free to drive on my own. It's a thrilling thought, I simply cannot wait for August!!! Those few weeks in July will be the hard to live through lol, I will need an extra dose of patience and I am patient person lol!!!

Tall Ship Lady Washington

2006-06-26T08:23:03Z

Walking down the peer toward the boat, I felt giddy and happy. Ever since I had arrived and saw her 90 foot mast tower above all the other boats, a smile found it's place on my lips (which are now burned by the way lol) Everything was like it was the last time I saw her. The lines seemed to be chaoticly rigged everywhere and that same bright, toy boat paint job made her visible from the atleast a mile away. The crew was different though, but as I'd soon learn, they were just as freindly.
I was atleast twenty minutes early, but that was fine with me! Call me a dork or a loser whatever, but I found pleasure in standing on the dock and watching her crew make ready for another adventerous sail an oh my goodness, was that trip an adventure! I can't remember more excting moments in my entire life! Let's not get ahead of ourselves though lol. I still have a lot to recap before I get to the sailng bit;)
So I went to Hollywood once and with all the movie-watching I've done in my life, I felt like I was home. Well I felt the same way when my family and I pulled into Westport, all weekend it was a pirate fest. People walking around in extragevent pirate customes singing sea chantys handing out goodies.I was thrilled and wished I could just etch every moment of it into my memory banks. I had my terri-cloth tank on, but my jean capris and green camis just gave it away. I was no more of a pirate today, than anyone is on a regular day. I was there to sail, to do what pirates do best besides pillage and that was sail the open seas. Well let me tell you, I got the chance.

At 9 knots the Lady Washington plunged through the water gallantly but I wasn't as gallant on deck though, I was just trying to hold my lunch! Oh and I learned what the bar is today,no it's not a big metal bar that lets you in and out of the ocean. It's actually a sand bar that you have to cross over in order to go in and out of the ocean. Well we were sailing right behind it. We were like a raging bull locked in his cage before he's let out in a rodeo. Sure, I had sailed on the Lady Washington before, but we hardly moved than! Well compared to how we rode Westport bay this afternoon. I can distinctly remember standing on the foredeck gripping a line and actually sailing. The boat would rise up and crash into the waves and the she'd rise and fall again. I was so excited, it was hard not to smile :)
Okay so my forhead, my arms, my back and yes even my lips are burned (windburned is more like it). My hair has a saltwater hint to it and my eyes can barley keep open as I write this. But it was totally worth it...totally. In August I reunite with the Lady Washington to volunteer atleast two weeks as I travel from Brownsville to Tacoma and than back to Olympia. I will never forget today and simply cannot wait for August!!!

Some of my Picture/Icon things

2006-06-24T22:56:33Z

lionheart190 @ 2006-06-24T15:44:00

2006-06-24T22:47:17Z

Guys, Parents, Hell.

2006-06-24T07:08:30Z

Every now and than I get around to watching "Sex and the City" It's a really cool show. Despite every episode is about sex, but its not bad for some funny entertainment. Amazedly, I find every lesson that the main character learns, one I can relate to too. Even if I don't sleep with every guy I see walking down the street like Samantha does, lol.

Anyways, tonight’s big realization for her was that she can't get her guy to commit to anything with her. When she sees a couple get married after only a week of knowing each other, she than has her doubts about her own relationship. </p>

If you don't know, I recently came to the realization that I am single. I thought I had a boyfriend, but he hasn't contacted me in two months, so I really don't care for him anymore. How can you love a ghost? How can you think about something that isn't even real? Sure, you can think about, be affected by it, but you can't love it, that at least is for sure. So whether Jared was committed to me or not, I really cdon't give a damn.

Life being single is kind of awful. You don't have anyone to call at night and flirt with. You don't have anyone to escape to, to feel loved with or to feel happy with. Right now my parents are really really really annoying the hell out of me. I don't know if it's because I am being such a smart mouth, which I am or because there repressed and feel like they need to take there anger out on me. Either way, it's hard to live with them. Especially when I have my own anger and my own problems. Only forty-nine days until I get my license. That is my ticket to freedom. Once I get my license, I am getting a full time job until I start school of course. When I start school, I am going full-time and working. I am going to try and be away from home as much as I can! When I am not working or going to school, I will be at friend’s houses.

It's not just the home environment that I want to get away from. It's what happens while I am at home. My mom hates me, she reminds me of the evil step mother in Cinderella. My dad on the other hand is like the fairy god-mother...well god-father lol. He doesn't beat me down and make me feel like a failure. My mom only sees me as Cinderella's stepmother would see Cinderella, a servant or a dishwasher. She thinks that she can buy my love with fancy clothes and fun times. She doesn’t know how to simply express her true feelings for me, which are of course, hate. It's as plain as day that she loves my brother and hates me, my brother is such a mama's boy. If I was twenty-two, I'd be so far away from this family, you barely be able to reach me. No....he has to stick around and me look like even more of an object of rejection. My dad thinks I am an idiot and my mom thinks I am an stupid failure. Sure, my dad isn't all that bad. Realistically though, when I try my wings out he just cuts them up and destroys them.

Did I tell you that he destroyed my first opportunity for a job, well my mom was a fantastic help in wrecking that too. They both just tore my interview to pieces marching in and saying that I couldn't go out on a street and hold a sign for an hour. Ya sure, that was only a small part of being a receptionist at Great Clips, but my mom thought it was all that I was going to do and neither my dad nor my mom could handle it. They are both paranoid, old-fashioned idiots who know nothing about trust. My dad's motto is "Don't trust anyone" (no wander I feel so alone) and my mom's motto is "I don't trust you around anyone" (again, why do you think I am so lonely?)

I always thought it was my fault people hated me. It is partially, but really everything that I stand for is what my parents taught me. Well I am here to tell you that it is all going to change, for one more month I am going to go where I want to go when I want to go and than I'll be able to do things myself. My mom won't be guilt-tripping me with swing-dancing or a movie, because I can say I took myself. She is soooo selfish, it's not even funny. All she thinks about is, "Are the dishes clean for me to use? Why aren't they clean? I only took you everywhere yesterday!" Yah, well swing dancing isn't necessarily an energizing activity. You come home and feel dead. I constantly make promises to get the dishes done and what do I do? I get them done! Maybe not the second she wanted me to and maybe not the ones she wants me to do, but I do them! I go to ask her for something and what does she do? She goes "Well the sink isn't spotless and there is still dirty dishes"

I wish my parents would just get cancer and die, I wish I could move out and not have to deal with them. My mom has told me that she just thinks I am so strong and mature that I can handle things on my own, well maybe if she trusted me to do them, I might be able too! Argh! NO ONE TRUSTS ME!

I wrote a great poem the other day, here.

Give me a reason why I shouldn't.

I can't find one one my own.

Give me a reason to be holy.

I can't think of any on my own.

Give me a reason to say no.

I don't have the strength to resist the temptation.

Tell me why I shouldn't go,

or why I shouldn't become one of them.

If you can't tell me why I shouldn't,

than tell me where I can find the strength to resist.

Show me how to say no.

Pray over me for God's sake!

Pray to God, to give me maturity to prove the doubters false

Have faith that I can pull through life

without giving into this world.

Believe in me,

because if you believe in me,

I just might believe in me too.

Now isn't that just a cry for help! I certainly think so! I think people believe in me, they just don't trust me or think I am good enough. Well I am here to say that I am better than just good enough. They are the ones that deserve not to be trusted. My friends, the ones who turn on me and look down upon me. No one should believe them! Sure, I lie sometimes to protect myself, but I at least have the heart to tell you that I lied to you. Some people think they are too good to admit to lying to you. Some people think that they are too righteous to admit that they are the ones that stabbed you in the back. Well even if I do do you wrong, I'll tell you. Let me just say that I am a good friend to those who I love. You may just think of me as another failure, like my parents do, but I am not a failure. I am not a rejected loser that everyone thinks I am. I may only have friends that are real friends. I may only love people who can promise to love me back and I may only believe in you, if you'll believe in me too. But I try hard at being the best I can be, at being a good friend to you. Because until someone completely loves me for who I am and says that I am perfect in their eyes even with my personality flaws. Than that is all I can be.

Heartache

2006-06-23T23:53:37Z

Love is a burning fire and that’s all I have known. I have just known the fire, not the bliss or the rainbows. I only know heartache that brings tears to my eyes. It doesn’t take much for me to believe that I loved you, it’s the coming out of the illusion that is hard. It’s coming to the realization that all I thought I had was only a dream. I remember my dreams from childhood better than I remember our moments together. I remember how I hated my mother as a child, better than how I felt falling in love with you. The one thing I do remember was hours of listening to your voice in the wee hours of the night. That is what kills me. It tears me apart to know that you once cared, to know that you once wanted to listen to my smile. You were nothing but an idol though, you meant no more to me than my obsessions. My idol-like obsessions that cover my room that remind me that I am not alone. Seeing handsome faces on my wall comforts me more than your dark eyes ever did. They were eyes of deception, your brown spheres that I’d get lost in. I’d forget what we were talking about and just stare into the abyss. Trying to find the part of you that actually did want me. It was there, I found it, but it was in the wrong place my friend. The wrong freaking place. I loved you with my mind, you loved me like a fool with his heart. Now that I think about you, I am the one that feels like a fool. You liked me so much, you innocent. You adored my spontaneous charm, I didn’t like me though and I thought your lazy slowness dragged my energy down to a level where I couldn’t adapt to. We could have never worked, we could have never lived a life of prosperity and happiness. I would steal any glimpse my joy from you just like my mother had done to me. Around you, I was myself. Impatient and annoyed, but I wasn’t anyone other than myself. Let me tell you, sometimes I feel like someone other than the Monica I know. Sometimes I am someone not even my own mother knows. I am unpredictable, untrustworthy and irresponsible, seriously. You are completely opposite so I suggest you don’t get mixed up with the likes of me. How I about I call the cards from now on who I want to date? How does that sound now mom and dad, is that ok? Can I choose for=]myself who I want to fall in love with? Or is love unpredictable like me? I bet it is, that is why I am so bad at it, because I am only agreeable with things that are opposite of me. You were too like me and too unlike me in so many ways, I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know what to do about you. Forget about you? Try harder next time? No, I am done. You won’t see the likes of me anymore around. Keep it cordial I say. Keep it predictable and safe, Keep the relationship something I can control. I know how to control situations, I learned that from my mom. The only thing she didn’t teach me how to do was love people like you. She forgot to teach me how to love the unlovable and you my friend are unloved by me. Live your life, become a good husband at eighteen, be a good honest high standing member of society. You can find me in the club downtown, dancing and singing to my hearts content. If you ever want to join me, you halve to get over yourself first.